WHITFIELD ORDAINED AS NEW ARCHBISHOP [27/01/09 16:55:49]
Worshippers in the hughly religious enclave of Lower Langenhoe were today left confused following the revellations of newly-ordained Archbishop Whitfield that he intended preaching from an 'alternative' bible.
Whitfield (pictured right) was not the first choice for the new position created within the diocese and there will be many who will be uncomfortable with his appointment after sensational tabloid coverage last year of his addiction to vodka. However, God's new man remained defiant and promised a "pastoral shake-up" now that he is ensconced at the church of St Junior The Less in the pretty Essex countryside.
Concerns first surfaced last week when Whitfield, preaching to a gathering at the club on Friday evening, told how Moses took three of each animal with him on to the Ark. Previously, it had been widely understood that this deed was in fact performed by Noah and that only two of each animal were involved.
Other revellations from Archbishop Whitfield that have shocked worshippers are his controversial insistance that Adam was a homosexual and that David used an AK47 to slay the giant Goliath rather than the slingshot that, until now, had been seen to be the weapon of choice for the young hero.
"Its time people learned the truth" stuttered an unrepentant Whitfield. "And If they think that feeding of the five thousand malarkey is a miracle then they need their heads examined. As if five loaves and two fish could feed that lot; there are some players in Abberton who would scoff all of that up and still be hungry". He later confided from his pulpit that the Bethsaida branch of MacDonalds reported a massive month-on-month sales increase during the period in question in AD 24.
However, Whitfield was keen to point out that he doesn't disagree with everything that is taken as gospel in the scriptures. He plans to introduce stoning if players fail to stump up their match fees on time, prompting Treasurer John Everett to pass the opinion that "he can't be all bad then".
