TREASURER STRUCK DOWN BY SWINE FLU [30/04/09 15:37:11]
It has been confirmed that the swine flu pandemic has reached Abberton after Treasurer Johnny 'Two Teas' Everett was struck down during the early hours of this morning. The corpulent club official woke in agony and, having arranged an emergency appointment at the local surgery where he holds a season ticket, there was no doubt in the professional assessment that he was suffering from the virus.
The World Health Organization earlier raised its alert over the spread of swine flu to level five - one short of its highest alert level. Phase five means that person-to-person spread of the virus has taken place in at least two countries.
A mass public health campaign has begun today with TV, print and radio adverts warning people about swine flu with the simple message: "CATCH IT. BIN IT. KILL IT."
Speaking from his Everett Castle home in the village's Millionaires' Row, Mr Everett (pictured right) spent the afternoon in a restful pose watching the snooker surrounded by his medication. He was bemoaning the fact that he would not now be able to drink alcohol at his son's stag party this weekend.
There will be many who are not surprosed by these latest developments. Only last weekend, Mr Everett displayed the obvious symptoms of pigotry when he was guilty of scofffing down a tea at Elmstead before shooting back to The Brow to knock of several large slices of cake from the home tea. He strenuously denies this, but there are a number of incriminating pieces of evidence and his protests of innocence have been laughed away.
Swine flu is a respiratory disease of pigs caused by type A influenza viruses. Outbreaks of swine flu happen regularly in pigs. People do not normally get swine influenza, though infections do sometimes happen. In the recent past, most human cases of swine influenza have been in people who were either in close contact with pigs, such as farmers or behaved like them. In the current outbreak the virus has been spread by person-to-person contact.
Human infection with swine influenza A (H1N1) viruses has also been confirmed in the US, Canada, the UK, and other countries. This has given rise to concern that the outbreak could become a pandemic flu - a global outbreak of flu that spreads quickly because it is a new type of virus that few, if any, people have resistance to.
A flu pandemic is a natural event that occurs from time to time. Last century, there were flu pandemics in 1918, 1957 and 1968, when millions of people died across the world. Experts warn that another flu pandemic could happen soon, but they do not know when.
If you think you may be infected, the Government have set up a helpline where they will check your level of pigginess in a quick telephonic survey. Simply dial 0800 1 513 513. Calls are free from UK landlines and most mobiles.
