HEAD OF SECURITY GIVEN FURTHER POWERS [14/07/08 07:39:19]
Having enjoyed a certain amount of success in the recent pan-European investigation into the theft of Treasurer John Everett's fence panels which were destined for the continent, Head of Security John Stockbridge (69) has now won favour with the committee resulting in him being given further powers. This follows the provision of Charlie the guard dog earlier in the season.
Stockbridge (pictured right) is revelling in the new-found confidence in his detection abilities following the recent efficient operation involving Helmut von Schtickers of the German Secret Police.
He is confident that organised (and indeed disorganised) crime at The Brow will soon be on the decline and he plans to introduce the 'zero tolerance' measures practised so effectively by Feldwebel von Schtickers.
The former newspaper magnate said last night, "Those b***ards better watch out now because I am armed and f***ing dangerous" as he brandished his .177 air pistol in the air threateningly.
He went on, "The criminal element around here better f***ing be alert, they have had it their own way for a long time". He promised a 'shoot-on-sight' policy for those who do not pay their match fees at the prescribed time and he vowed to target those responsible for the campaign of misdemeanour aimed at driving ailing Treasurer Everett from his home.
"Mr Everett is a f**ing old man now" explained Stockbridge. "The tight-arsed c**t may have been a bit of a gangster in his time, but now he is sick and deserves protection. I am the man for the job and I will shoot to kill if necessary" he warned.
To emphasise his point, he proudly displayed his new sentry box (see left) at Everett Castle, commissioned at great expense to make sure that security personnel are kep warm and dry during the inclement weather.
"Mr Everett has been very kind, not like some of those other w***ers at the club" Stockbridge intoned as he sat in the goon tower amongst the potatoes and spring onions growing in the borders. "He even paid me this time when I painted his fence for him, he's a top guy. Last time the t***er argued about paying because he said it was that f***er Paget's fence, but this time he has coughed up without me having to threaten him" laughed Stockbridge as he lovingly trousered the £10 note.
He denied that he had been exploited by the Squire of Everett Castle. "I suppose £10 is not a lot for two coats both sides of the sixteen fence panels, but my mate John would not do me down and said that the Poles would do it for less and I don't want them getting a foothold at The Brow and taking all of the top jobs" he explained.
Everett himself was unavailable for comment as he was sleeping off the single glass of red wine that doctors have allowed him per day.
Members are reminded that martial law was imposed by Stockbridge following the recent drug trafficking allegations levelled at senior club officials.
