DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE ACT QUICKLY IN CHICKEN FIASCO [25/07/08 01:53:46]

The Whalebone disciplinary hearing against overseas star Paul Le Ford ended in uproar when the accused failed to show and the committee had to pass judgement with the Mersea maestro 'in absentia'.

Disappointed skipper Paul Da Vino told the gathered hacks that Le Ford (pictured right) would serve a three match ban of which two would be suspended, therefore making him available for the crucial upcoming test match series against the Rowhedge Albion in August

He also stated that the Guernesy-born all-rounder had been warned about his future conduct and would be fined three weeks wages, i.e. a case of Corona.

Da Vino also said he hoped the whole sorry episode could now be put to bed, but would be flying out to Mersea next week for 'clear the air' talks with his errant overseas professional.

Le Ford had been charged with dereliction of duty after refusing to bowl the final over in the recent closely-fought defeat at the hands of Langenhoe Primary School.

Chair of the Disciplinary Committee, Lady Cava-Paget was quick to condemn Le Ford's no show at Wednesday's hastily-convened hearing: "I had to give up the 'back nine' at Brett Vale to be here and that jackass couldn't even turn up. In these circumstances the committee have, I think, been remarkably lenient."

Le Ford was finally tracked down to a notorious drinking den in Layer Breton where he was observed drowning his sorrows with bottle after bottle of Tudor Court Hungarian Reisling willingly provided by his solicitor and lifelong pal, the 69 year-old John 'one and a half bellies' Stockbridge, BA (Hons) (Monkwick).

The dishevelled overpaid but under-performing superstar at first refused to comment but then issued a one word statement, describing the committee's decision as "Bo**ocks". However, Stockbridge, recently fired as Mrs Welton's attorney but who also doubles as the ADCC Head of Security, provided a brief press release on behalf of his newest client.

"This was a f***ing stitch up. My client was the subject of terrible 'chicken' abuse. That t**t Johnson was squawking "coq au vin, coq au vin" in his face and the rest of those c***s were flapping their arms and making f***ing clucking noises. No wonder he left the henhouse, oops I mean pitch in such a state" he raged. "As for not attending the hearing, we was delayed by a flock of geese on the Strood! Now f**k off; another bottle of Tudor Court, Pauly?

There is very little doubt that Le Ford's one year contract is now the subject of considerable examination following this latest bout of cowardice in the face of the enemy, in this case a bunch of spotty, pre-pubescent kids.

This report brought to you by the Fingringhoe Newshound