PLEA FOR CALM DURING ALBION TEST SERIES [05/08/08 12:10:52]
On the eve of the first test match against local rivals the Rowhedge Albion, ADCC Head of Security and Whalebone CC vice-president John Stockbridge (69) issued a plea for calm both on and of the pitch after disgraceful scenes marred the whalebone's first victory against Langenhoe Primary last week. Trouble erupted in the Ray Clay Family Enclosure when fans from the Whalebone's Aberdeen and Mersea supporters clubs were allocated seats in an area reserved for parents and teachers of the school team (see right).
Stockbridge today confirmed a zero tolerance policy would be enforced: "no f***er wants to hear f***ing language like that at a cricket match. My stewards told me the ringleaders were that little t**t who does the Rhode Island Red impersonations and that crippled a***hole who can't stand up. Tomorrow I'll have my eyes on them throughout the match. One hint of trouble and they're f***ing out!" the veteran security consultant stated angrily.
It is widely expected that secutiry reserves with riot equipment will be called up from neighbouring villages to help Stockbridge maintain law and order during the two match series.
On the pitch, the 'bone were accused of over the top with extremely personal sledging. However, beleagured skipper Paul Da Vino was quick to defend his underfire players. "That spotty little twerp Desborough and his cohorts should grow up and fast. My boys never went over the top; they'll get far worse when they're away at Stoke Mandeville thirds or some other godforsaken place. If you want to see sledging wait 'till that Don Johnson lookalike comes out to bat for the Albion tomorrow!" de said defiantly.
Da Vino will be boosted by the return of both the Vic and overseas star Paul Le Ford who has served his one match ban. A clearly fatigued Buffoon and the injured Gordon Snr are likely to be rested. Once again a capacity crowd is expected at The Brow. Stockbridges' advice is "If you haven't got fifty notes in your 'sky rocket', don't even f***ing think about turning up!"
This report brought to you by the Fingringhoe Newshound
