TEXANS BID TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE BONE [17/09/08 09:16:02]

Fingringhoe was alive with rumour today as it appears that large blocks of Whalebone CC shares were snapped up by American leisure group Lone Star Sports International Inc. The Fort Worth, Texas based conglomorate headed by heiress Candice B Lurve had been seen as a potential suitor for Tyneside no-hopers Newcastle United or stuck-in-the-eighties, shellsuit-wearing, signing-on, theiving scouse gits Liverpool FC.

However, this appears to have been merely a smokescreen as their real target now seems to be the jewel in the crown of north Essex pub cricket. The Texans, have reportedly admitted to now possessing 22.5% of the club's ordinary shares and, if this rises to 28%, they will have to make a formal bid for the pub side.

Outgoing skipper and minority shareholder Paul Da Vino could hardly contain himself when told that the shareprice had rocketed past the 4p mark: "F**k the lot of youz. No more Corona for me, its Dom Perignon all the way from now on; Canada here I come!" Also rumoured to be making a fortune if the deal goes through are major shareholders Lady Cava Paget and billioanire President of VIce John Everett.

One dissenting voice was that of Head of Security and (Honorary) Vice President John Stockbridge (69) who lamented: "Ten years ago, they gave me the option of a share issue or a slab of baccy; guess which one I took? F***ing typical, bunch of c***s!"

Ms Lurves' spokeman, Aaron C Reskew, said "The 'Bone will dovetail nicely into a portfolio that already consists of New Zealand super 14 rugby union side Gilray Clammers and Melbourne aussie rules team Appleyard Rednecks. Ms Lurves daddy, Hoodo U, absolutely adored cricket even though he didn't understand a thing that was going on." The "septics" should fit in perfectly!!

This report bought to you by your Fingringhoe Newshound.