ACE HOLLAND SLEUTH JOINS SECURITY TEAM [06/10/08 07:55:58]
Abberton yesterday unveiled their latest addition to what is becoming a quickly strengthening security team when they paraded the immaculately dressed crack Dutch detective Johann van der Steekers to the usual motley band of Sunday lunchtime soaks.
In a move clearly aimed at putting the brakes on an undesirable escalation of white collar crime at The Brow, the former tulip growing executive from Utrecht is the latest in a line of overseas crimebusters that the club have appointed to assist the increasingly ineffectual current Head of Security John Stockbridge (69).
Meneer van der Steekers (pictured right), who is also concincidentally 69 years of age, boasts a wealth experience in brining criminals to justice and earlier this year smashed a multi-million Euro crime ring involved with distributing fake Walkers crisps in southern Holland golf clubs.
He is well down for his dapper dress and, as can be seen from our picture, his appearance leaves our man Stockbridge somewhat in the shade which many think is just where he ought to be!
The imemdiate targets for van der Steekers are the subjects of till shortages, false expense claims for cleaning staff and, more seriously, vote rigging for the annual awards.
This last crime-ridden area has long been a concern of the committee with the Polly Rogers trophy often seemingly going to an undeserving home following a flood of late votes. However, this year there have been sinister overtones with as yet unproven allegations concerning the voting for the best performances for each team. It is thought that certain individuals have been casting their votes for themselves in what is seen as an abhorrent practice.
However, Head of Security Stockbridge is not impressed. "Another f***ing foreigner" he fumed. "The last one was c**p; he didn't solve the mystery of the fence panels, it was me but he claimed all of the glory and those stupid f***ers believed him!" Mr Stockbridge is clearly unhappy with the plaudits heaped on Feldwebel Helmut von Schtickers, the German secret policeman whose intrevention in June of this year thwarted the infamous Fence Filchers de France (FFF) as they were about to illegally export fence panels stolen from a neighbouring property.
"That f***ing kraut wasn't really a policeman, he was a Frankfurter salesman from Hamburg, or was it a Hamurger salesman from Frankfurst, I can't remember." moaned a confused Stockbridge. "Well this f***ing Dutchman better watch out and learn that I am in charge. Coming down here in his fancy suit and tie, how does he expect to go undercover? I ask you, what a p***ock".
There is no doubt that the presence of van der Steekers will only serve to fuel public thought that Stockbridge's shakey tenure of the security chief's position might be coming to an end much quicker than the ageing ex-newspaper magnate thinks.
