CLUB TO IMPLEMENT CLOCKING-ON PROCEDURES [25/10/08 16:25:07]
In an attempt to clamp down on shirking by 'employees', the committee will this week implement clocking-in procedures at The Brow after undercover investigations have revealed inconsistencies in the timesheets of certain as yet unidentified individuals.
Hardline Treasurer John Everett (right) claims that he has irrefutable evidence that some 'workers' are arriving well after the prescribed time, enjoying extended meal and comfort breaks and then knocking off early at the end of the day.
The oft-outspoken Everett has plenty of support amongst club members for this new initiative and smugly predicted that the guilty parties would be ruthlessly exposed by the introduction of a mechanical time recording device similar to that pictured below left.
"Its high time these time cheats were brought to heel" explained a triumphant Everett earlier this afternoon. "They swan along here in their own time, repeatedly abuse the provision of coffee and biscuits and sod off often without doing a stroke of work."
As might be expected, the new regime has not been received well in some quarters. Head of Security John Stockbridge (69) was furious when contacted. Initially he was unavailable to comment as he had just gone on a half hour break, but two hours later he told the wesbite "Its a downright f***ing liberty" he fumed. "I work my f***ing bo**ocks off when I am there and just because I have a couple of minutes off here and there for a fag, they now want me to clock in and out each time." A clearly rattled Stockbridge stated that he was thinking of taking his case to the European Court of Human Rights.
He had no doubts as to who was behind the new approach by the committee. "I bet it was that f***ing Dutchman who appeared a couple of weeks ago" he muttered. "Sneaky little weasel pretended to be my mate, but I reckon the c**t grassed me up behind my back. I didn't like him at all, dressed up like a poof in his jacket and tie."
Groundsman Bob Scott, who freely admitted that his lunch break on Friday went two minutes over his allowance, was philosophical over the changes and agreed that some individuals would invariably suffer. "I have seen some terrible abuses of the system since I have been here" he confided. "Some people never seem to do any work and if you ask for help, they are always on a break. I certainly welcome any measures which will root out the workshy freeloaders" he added.
