Head of security, John Stockbridge (69), arrested the bearded old duffer under the suspicion that he was 'drunk in charge of a pool cue' and later confirmed that Everett was in fact six times over the legal limit for possessing the said implement.

"Our suspicions were aroused last week in the cup match against the grapes when the old f***er fell of his bar stool, minced around the table with a bottle of red wine in his pocket and then proceeded to verbally abuse his teammates. It was obvious tonight that he'd been on the pop again. He viciously assaulted our main supplier and one of our players before launching a foulmouthed tirade at the opposition captain. The bloke's a f***ing liability - he should be banned for life!" spluttered Stockbridge.

A shellshocked Paul Da Vino confirmed the security supremo's story: "I'd brought a couple of friends up to the club to watch the United game and a keenly anticipated clash on the green baize. We had just settled into our seats when we were accosted by Everett who was boasting that he was already on his sixth bottle of red. He was clearly p***ed as a chuck."

When I told him to go away he assaulted me with a vicious kick to the shins. There's no wonder that Lady Cava-Paget and Mrs Welton-Woodpecker won't have him to dinner: he's an absolute disgrace!"

To his credit, under fire pool team skipper 'Toffee' Lingard immediately withdrew Everett from the night's proceedings, but later confirmed that he would be standing by his errant star: "We know Ev's got a problem, but we have arranged some counselling from the Ash Grove Temperance Society. Hopefully he'll be back potting some balls in the not to distant future."

This report was brought to you by your Fingringhoe Newshound