Da vino (right) was quoted as saying: "The Brow has been overrun with turkeys this year, so getting hold of a decent bird has been no problem. Anyway, less of Le Ford. It's only one roll per person, so if young Sawdon thinks he can come down and gorge himself on five or six, he can bloody well think again. We've also got a barrel of real ale and Little Johnnny's mince pies. The event is open to all club members and villagers. Forget Jamie and Nigella: this is the real deal!"

Beverley, Lady Cava-Paget, who is helping out by having the odd bun or two in her oven, stressed the humanitarian and charitable side of the event: "Christmas is the best time for posh, rich birds like me to show a modicum of goodwill to the great unwashed". Anyway, less of the director of cricket, just come on down for great food, drink and average company!'

Predictably, not all are in favour of encouraging the waifs and strays of the area into the fold and Head of Security John Stockbridge (69) is girding his loins for the anticipated influx of strangers on the day before Santa pops down your chimney.

"I know what will happen" sighed the ageing watchman. "This will be a freebie for the the riff raff and there will be pandemonium as they try to get in without a ticket. I think its a f***ing liberty at Christmas; everybody elese gets time off and I have to come in and police a table full of sausage rolls and mulled wine".

However, Stockbridge mellowed when mention was made of 'double time'and added, "Still, I suppose it is Christmas and we should help out when times are hard as inded I have with the vouchers in my Christmas cards again this year. But this 'peace on earth and goodwill' malarkey is a f***ing load of b***ocks in my opinion!".

This report was brought to you by your Fingringhoe Newshound