Security

It is sad in this day and age that a quiet village cricket club such as ours feels the need to hire expensive security personnel to ensure the safety and protection of our players, spectators and their belongings as well as the club premises and equipment.

It is even more sad that the individual entrusted with this important role chooses to treat his responsibilities with disdain and extremely limited enthusiasm!

A recent spate of worrying incidents which have seen Percy the Pig seemingly abducted and a dead seagull removed from the ground and (allegedly) put in the stewpot for an official's dinner, have resulted in dismay for our members as the Head of Security John Stockbridge (pictured right with his rapid response vehicle and truncheon) has repeatedly been unavailable for comment at these distressing times.

When approached on Friday afternoon whilst patrolling the grounds in his specially-commissioned vehicle, Stockbridge (pictured above) was quick to accuse our club captain of perpetrating porcine kidnap, although he stopped short of an actual arrest.

Stockbridge's lack of success in solving the recent crimewave has lead to calls for him to be axed from his highly paid position in favour of a younger man.

The wealthy former business magnate, who sold his newsagency empire to the Patel family during the 1990s, was tightlipped and refused to deny rumours that he had been interviewed for the vacant manager's job at Manchester City.