Not all of you may be aware that Abberton's oldest surviving legend John Ward (pictured right) was admitted to Colchester General Hospital on Monday after suffering breathing difficulties. The poor devil was later diagnosed with pneumonia and he is likely to be a resident in Dedham Ward for a few days to come. Keen to stay in touch with his many friends at The Brow, he agreed to blog his experiences.
Tuesday
Phew! That was a bit of a shaker. Woke up struggling to breathe; got Mimsy to ring the quack but the old git was too lazy to get our of bed and told her to ring 999. Blue lights for me; that will keep the nosey old trouts down Ash Grove gossiping for ages!
Not good news, they think I have pneumonia and need to find me a bed. What about the 5 o'clock club? They will be missing me.
Wifey comes to visit and so does son Kevin. I remark that these tubes don't seem to be going far up my nose. Son says "Well Dad, they are alright for most normal noses but you may have given them a challenge." Cheeky young whippersnapper, but he may have a point as I have noticed that my oxygen mask is quite a bit longer than that worn by my fellow patients.
Mimsy goes home and the rest of the ward remark how peaceful it now is.
Wednesday
Feel a bit brighter today and the food is not bad at all; at least its better than what I get at home! Nurse doesn't seem keen to rig up my bottle of Smirnoff on the drip which is a nuisance. Doctors not too sure exactly what is wrong with me yet and keep subjecting me to more tests. I heard one of them say "I think he is having an adverse reaction to the drugs, his nose has grown enormous overnight, isn't it."
Ah, its visiting time and who do we have here. Lady Cava-Paget has bought me a card, some ginger beer and some porn mags - good old girl. She has also brought that damned fool husband of hers, but you can't have everything I suppose. Next up is Everett, but the tightwad has refused to pay for parking so he can only stay for a few minutes. I told him that he could do with a stint in here, he would lose weight. I bet he stole those grapes off a sleeping patient. My main worry is that they transfer me to Mersea Ward. I might come out of there with an extra finger and webbed feet!
Thursday
Was awoken early by a massive commotion. Some poor old dear was asleep in a side ward yesterday when a despicable person stole a bag of grapes off her trolley. She was beside herself with grief and a full scale investigation is underway. I quietly hid the bag Ev gave me in the potty which means I won't be able to go to number twos for a while.
Had some good news when the medical team came round. Apparently there is nothing wrong with my heart but I have got a blood clot on the lung to go with the pneumonia. I blamed Jonners for giving me the latter as he was coughing about before Christmas and soon afterwards I felt ill.
That nice guy Welts came in at visiting time and he bought Everett with him. At least he was a bit smarter today, dressed in his new jeans that are somehow even two sizes too big for him! Welts walks at a pretty decent pace and so by the time the pair reached the second floor, Ev was spluttering and foaming at the mouth and it looked like they might have to find him a bed. Berk!
I guess Mimsy will be here soon so time to pretend that I am sound sleep.
Friday
The Hospital Administrator came round and told me there had been complaints about one of my visitors and would I kindly ask the overweight old tramp with the new jeans to stop coming in. There's a new chap in the bed next to me who talks in his sleep; reminds me of home.
Had a scan this morning which revealed a second blood clot on the lung. Probably won't be going home until Monday now, what a relief! They pumped some dye into my body and when I went through the scanner (the same on that Ev couldn't fit into) my testicles went all hot. First time that has happened for a few years I can tell you. I am getting used to this new Smirnoff Raspberry and Apple flavour. Wonder whether they can get some for the club.
Nurse put me on the scales at lunchtime and I have lost four pounds since I came in. Suddenly thought I would sneeze, so I blew my nose - another three pounds gone in a flash.
Saturday
Cheered myself up by reading all those kind wishes that have been sent thru the website, its very kind of you all. Watched the news and was saddened to see that Smirnoff have issued a profits warning and laid off twenty staff in East Anglia following a sudden and unexpected decrease in sales over the last week - very worrying.
Heard that my boy Kevin is taking the darts competition very seriously and was seen practising at the club for a couple of hours today. I think he has a real chance having observed some of the other entrants in recent weeks. Half of them struggle to put all three darts into the scoring zones and the number of games finishing on double one is extraordinary.
Mimsy wasn't pleased when she came in and caught me reading the porn mags that Lady Cava-Paget brought in for me. She says they are not good for my heart but the doctor thinks that anything stimulating my blood circulation is to be encouraged!
Sunday
Didn't have a very good night (possibly due to my reading activity yesterday) and they have put me back on oxygen; the nurses can't believe how quickly I get through the cylinders though. The downside is that I can't have any visitors but my fellow patients say that a rest from all the conversation will do me good. Funny that, I always thought a conversation involved more than one person! Wonder who I have drawn in the darts competition. If I don't hurry up and get better they will get a bye and I don't want that.
Monday
My old friend Bill Reilly came in today and he obviously found two flights of stairs a bit too much; we were all worried that he might need the bed next to me. They took me off the oxygen this afternoon, but if I leave my bed, I have to have an oxygen mask strapped on. This makes it bloody difficult to have a shave I can tell you. The Doctors say these blood clots could take months to clear and it is important that I get as much oxygen in my body as possible. They don't see this as a problem considering the excellent natural equipment I have for the job. I wonder what they mean by that?
Tuesday
Everett came up again and spent most of the time grizzling that the parking charges were eating into his 'meagre' pension. I think he was hoping that I would put my hand into my pocket to sub him. He didn't bring any grapes but managed to eat all of my wine gums - what a mate!
The quack has been round and he thinks I am OK to go home as long as I am careful. I am not sure whether he really believes I am fit enough or whether the other patients have been complaining about the noise when Mimsy visits.
Can't believe I have been in here a week - the time has flown by and I haven't been told off as little for ages. Not sure whether that will continue when I get back to Ash Grove.
It is Tuesday evening and I am home now and being fussed over by Mimsy - better make the most of it as it might not last long. The two biggest disappointments of my stay in hospital was that my 'so called friends' Clay, Puskas Le Ford and Stockbridge never bothered to come and see me. I especially asked to be in a ward with wide double doors so that Clay could get his ears through without trouble. Is Stockbridge had have come in, they may have wheeled him straight down the morgue. Surely he is the favourite for the next bar stool! As regards Le Ford, I can forgive him as I exopect the engagement ring set him back so much he could not afford the extortionate parking charges!
