Whalebone Match Reports
Tuesaday 28 July
What a difference a win or two makes. Following on from the previous Roughedge encounter, pressure mounted on the Captain to avenge the loss. The Ray Clay Family Enclosure was packed with both sets of supporters and even the chief Twitcher had flown in.
The Boners without key players: Gordon Jnr (PS3), Buffoon-Johnson (sommelier training) and Le Ford (some lame excuse or other) would have to rely heavily on the in form Mad Jock McLockyer and an untried new boy, Colon Backyard.
WCC losing the toss, the Albion chose to bat first, coached by a chap in a pink jumper and hat from the stands (who clearly knew f**k all about team selection or indeed cricket). There then proceeded a masterclass in fielding, catching (using both hands) and dropping on the boundary. Having caught the Albion opener for ten off the Major, ‘Porky’ Chamberlain went on to record a hat trick of pouches. Unfortunately for the Albion, the damned Whalebone sniper was back, his shot for once missing Gordon Snr and removing the kneecap of their number four resulting a youthful runner appearing.
A succession of batsmen then made their way into the foray and it looked like the WCC would be looking at a target of 50. However Dave 'Shorts' in at 10 and his partner at 11, Mark St John Welltanned dug deep eventually amassing 19 runs between them. The Albion reached 63 all out. Top marks for Boners, Lara Lynch 2-11, Slinger-Bacon 3-9 and Mad Jock MacLockyer 2-5.
With an attainable target and the crowd getting restless, including complaints of 'missing Corrie for this crap’ coming from the Roughedge seating area, the Boners openers Dan ‘One Hand’ White (26*) and Lara Lynch made a steady start before Lara was caught on the short boundary trying for the elusive six. Then a miracle, the clouds parted and Paul O’Knee was cured and proceeded to remove WCC batsmen at rather a fast pace, 5-26. At 56-5, Capt Pegrum was seen muttering and polishing his sword; would he have to fall on it? Fortunately Mad Jock MacLockyer was there to save us and with one run safely chalked up his team (and indeed Buffoons bank balance) were saved as he slogged a six to be caught off turncoat Slowgrove. His replacement, new boy Colon Backyard, ably assisted by Slinger-Bacon brought the game to an obvious outcome with a tremendous six having just been assaulted mid body by the turncoat. WCC winning 67-7.
Thanks must go to Brian LeBlanc and Will Oddie for umpiring, Woodpecker Welton for the curry and Lady Cava-Paget for the excellent cakes. NSG
Wednesday 22 July
Grey, leaden, winter skies welcomed the Whaleboners to the inaptly named Spring Lane for the first of the 2009 season duels against the shopmen of Williams & Griffin. The visitors were backed by a larger travelling support than Aston Villa could muster the night before. Skipper Kevin Pegrum won the toss and, with obvious thoughts on a Duckworth-Lewis calculation should the game become truncated, had few thoughts about asking the opposition to take to the crease.
His confidence in the opening bowlers was not to be unfounded as spin twins Chris Pettit and Andy 'Mad Jock' MacLockyer literally tore their way through the top order, albeit with some degree of fortuitousness. Pettit had to rely on the athletic grace of a Paul Le Ford catch for his wicket and Mad Jock somehow encouraged the number three batsman to hit his own stumps. It is not clear whether the poor soul was bamboozled by the flight of our man's pinpoint bowling or whether he was more anxious to get back in the pavilion as a heavy drizzle had started to descend.
'Slinger' Bacon got in the action by duplicating a Snell Moonball and Roughedge import Ashley Slowgrove produced a beauty to send back Willie Gees' best batsman. With Woodpecker Welton cementing his claims for a permanent spinner's position in the bowling line-up and Gordon Jnr also performing with distinction (aided by an improbable catch at long off by that man Lockyer), the shopkeepers were really struggling to post a decent score. Enter the fray Gordon Snr (who had already attracted scorn for a very poorly ironed cricket shirt and numerous impersonations of a sniper victim) and he duly obliged with a string of wides in his over which threatened to take the game into a second day. The captain responded promptly by banishing the furious bowler back to the weeds of the outfield and bringing back the irrepressible MacLockyer. He immediately repaid his leader's faith by trapping the unwary number ten lbw, struck in the box whilst diving for cover, umpire Le Blanc's finger going up quicker than his usual response if somebody asks if he would like a Cava. Sparky finished with an astonishing 3-5 from his three overs and W&G closed on 93-9.
Faced with a quandary over his batting line-up caused by the enforced demotion to the number eleven berth of recalcitrant overseas star Le Ford for shirking his responsibilities in the field, Pegrum chose to be bold by putting both Gordons in the top three. They were soon together, Slowgrove capitulating to the very first ball of the Boners' reply and things got worse as Gordon Snr capped a miserable evening by being fingered by the aforementioned Le Blanc.
With Gordon Jnr also departing slogging across the line after two fine boundaries, WCC found themsleves at an unimpressive 11-3. Bacon and 'Porky' Chamberlain steadied the ship with a 51 run partnership which included some very brisk running (especially to one obese fielder) which made the latter's countenance go through several shades of purple as he tried to avoid being lapped. With Bacon having perished trying once too often to run the ball thru the vacant slip area, Porky soon followed for 24 goiung for one quick single too many.
Although several other nondescript shots saw wickets tumble, Captain Pegrum stood firm beinf particulalrly harsh on the six-year-old medium pacer who looked a decent future prospect, his majestic retirement knock taking the Bone to the brink of a victory which was eventually achieved at the start of the last over when young Pettit smote a four thru mid wicket.
So another triumph for Pegrum in his debut season and there is little doubt that competition for places will reach a new high next week for the Second Test against Roughedge. With a host of internationals having missed the boat this week and Roly Johnson being unavailable because it is fruitpicking season, the skipper will have some difficult choices to make. ASB
Tuesday 14 July
The return match against BT saw the Whalebone in determined mood to bounce back after their shock defeat in their last game and they proved what a formidable force they can be when all guns are firing by recording a comfortable seven wicket victory.
The BT skipper won the toss and chose to bat, planning to get runs on the board and then make batting difficult for the Bone under increasingly gloomy and threatening skies. The BT top order scored steadily but without really getting away, after tight bowling by the Boners seam attack. Wickets were taken by Mad Jock MacLockyer (1-8) and Lara Lynch (1-17). Plaudits go to the returning Woodpecker Welton who decimated the BT middle order with a spell of 3-10 off his three overs. He was assisted by a good catch by Lara Lynch and a truly outstanding catch on the square leg boundary by Porky Chamberlain, made all the more remarkable by the fact that he only has one eye. The Boners fielding all round was exceptional, with even Mad Jock MacLockyer managing the stop the ball without falling over. Then Enforcer Gilray then entered the fray and replaced fellow Kiwi Moonball Snell in the Whalebone record books with his leg spin returning figures of 4-2 from 1.1 overs. His masterstroke was lulling the batsmen into a false sense of security by bowling two wides in his first three balls that went straight to third slip. BT were bowled out for 91.
The only blot in the Boners' bowling copybook was the performance of the normally calm and tranquil Baffoon Johnson, who after being somewhat unfairly wided on two occasions by the opposition umpire, completely lost the plot, threw all his toys out of the pram, and proceeded to bowl a further wide down the leg side that made Gilray's previous two efforts look close. He spent the rest of the game walking around in small circles, chuntering away to himself about how life was so unfair.
The Boners openers took the field as the drizzle started, and under instructions to get on with it, they duly did. Whippersnapper White (28*) and Lara Lynch (16) again impressed with some mighty hitting. Unable to duplicate his recent heroics with the willow, Le Ford was bowled first ball and Mad Jock MacLockyer again failed in his quest for a six, even with the shortest boundary ever seen in a first-class match at his mercy. Another superb knock by Mears (30*) took the Boners to the brink of victory and were brought home by Skipper Pegrum and Woodpecker Welton just before the heavens opened.
The supreme fitness and athletisism of the Whalebone team must be down to the recent employment of new physio Lady Cava Paget who is ready with magic sponge and healing hands whenever needed. Indeed she was called onto the pitch when Skipper Pegrum complained of sore hands, and received immediate relief when she first blew on them and then rubbed them better on her perfectly formed posterior. This revolutionary technique is certain to be called upon again with a few of the Boners suddenly complaining of various injuries, mostly groin strains.
So onwards and upwards for the Bone with a very professional all round team performance. KP
Tuesday 7 July
It had to happen eventually. The 100% winning record of the Whalebone 'New Regime' had to come to an end sometime. But to their closest and most bitter of rivals, The Rowhedge Albion!! And so it is my sad duty to report, with tears still stinging and blurring my eyes, that the Whalebone lost by the closest of margins, one run. But not without controversy.
Both sides had an unfamiliar look about them. The Bone were without several first team players, but in the spirit of the game, Skipper Pegrum resisted the temptation to draft in any of his overseas stars apart from the disgraced French international Le Ford, who after his drunken antics at square leg in his last appearance, was surely just one crap game away from cancellation of his central contract. The Albion on the other hand, put out a much stronger side than usual when Captain and Pub Landlord Simon Taylor-Williams declared himself unfit with a slight graze on his little finger and was replaced by a chap who really can play.
With the entire village of Rowhedge packing the Ray Clay Family Enclosure, they provided raucous and vociferous support for their team. With more village idiots per head than Broadmoor Psychiatric Wing, this surely was the real Barmy Army in all its glory.
The Albion batted first, the Boners' attack looking decidedly toothless, with the top three all scoring freely. Only White (1-9) and Lynch (1-21) managed to take wickets, the other wicket to fall being a run out. The chap who really can play proved as much by striking the leather orb to the boundary several times to give the Albion a total of 104-3.
Not the most commanding of scores and the Boners were confident of the run chase but, alas, their batting proved as disappointing as their bowling with only young whippersnapper White (25*) and Le Ford (18) reaching double figures. Le Ford, obviously realising the precariousness of his position, finally decided to show his considerable talent and justified the six-figure sum he receives from his sponsorship deal with Hero Honda.
Much was expected of previous bighitter Lara Lynch, but he departed for a golden one. With the Boners in trouble, Skipper Pegrum confidently strode to the crease only to have his furniture rearranged by a bloke wearing shorts. Oh the shame!!
The devastated Skipper later claimed to have been subjected to persistent and merciless sledging by an Albion team prepared to win at all costs. Ricky Ponting has reportedly been spotted in the Albion this week, in deep discussion over a pint with players, trying to gain a better understanding of psychological warfare.
Eleven were needed from the final over and four from the last ball to tie. Despite valiant efforts from Hayton and Gordon Jnr, only three were scored from the last ball leaving the Bone one short on 103-7.
Controversially, it later emerged in the bar, that confusion between the umpires, denied the Boners an extra ball after a no ball was bowled in the second last over, upon which the outcome may have been different. The ECB is investigating.
Interviewed on Sky Sports, a magnanimous-in-defeat Skipper Pegrum offered his congratulations to the victorious team and said that the return game was beautifully poised for a cracker, in which Taylor-Williams is hinting at playing two of his close friends, both England internationals!
Needless to say, both teams proceeded to get completely shedded in the Brow bar and later until 3am in the Albion. KP
Tuesday 16 June
The second test at The Brow saw MCTC in a determined mood to level the series, but in a hard fought and sometimes controversial match, the Whalebone emerged victorious with a 7 wicket win secured with just 4 balls to spare.
MCTC batted first and made steady progress throughout their innings with wickets falling at regular intervals and finishing on 110-8 from their 20 overs. The Whalebone bowling was tidy and the fielding of a high quality, especially after Gordon Snr has disappeared again to make another of his conference calls lasting 17 overs. The top bowler award goes to Mad Jock MacLockyer for a superb spell of 3-15, achieving prodigious movement off the pitch. Wife Jane was in for a wild and memorable night as he no doubt would have taken her through a ball by ball commentary of his exploits with a practical demonstration of how he achieves lift and turn.
The Boners saw the welcome return of Porky Chamberlain after his career threatening eye injury and was straight back in the groove with his holy handgrenades producing figures of 1-7 from his three overs. Rev Rhys Martin received divine intervention when getting an LBW decision from a ball, which everyone in the ground except the MCTC umpire, heard strike willow first.
Skipper Pegrum's decision to keep wicket himself, and place who he considers the team's best fielder, Arthur 'Slinger' Bacon, in the covers was justified when Bacon took a spectacular over-the-shoulder catch.
MCTC lost their last three wickets to run-outs which were all hotly disputed by MCTC skipper Brown Snr, who was clearly in a much better position than the umpire to judge, while strolling around the boundary at deep mid-off.
A heavily disguised Murilitharan was spotted in the Ray Clay Family Enclosure eager to learn the secret of Steve Snells now legendary moon ball, for use in the World 20/20 Cup, but left disappointed when Snell was unable to bowl, due to an injury to his right arm, which he had obviously been overusing for more individual pursuits.
The Boners reply got off to what is best politely described as a pedestrian start. Just 23 were on the board after nine overs, the ball not having left the square despite MacLockyer having been given a great opportunity to close the gap in his Six-Hit Challenge with Buffoon Johnson. Both he and Rev Martin would argue that they were actually providing a solid platform from which to launch the onslaught that would need to follow if the Bone were to have any chance of reaching their target. The onslaught duly arrived, with spectacular hitting from Dan White (15), John Lynch (26*), Pegrum (24*) and Ash Slowgrove (20*), leaving the Boners needing just two from the last over, which they duly knocked off for a satisfying victory.
Played 3, won 3 - the Bone goes marching on. KP
